It’s been a strange couple of months. No. Strange is the wrong word. Disappointing perhaps. That would fit. Enlightening. Encouraging. Frustrating. It’s a little bit like being caught between the push and pull of good and evil. Except that I’m not living in a Harry Potter novel and when life starts looking like something fictional you can’t help but stop for a minute and ask yourself “What the fuck?”

In April a friend of mine died. It was one of those deaths where you just stare ahead of yourself incredulously and all your cells refuse to take part in any sort of reality. He was 29. And I had recently decided that he was a perfect combination of Shemar Moore, Matt Le Blanc and the gawkish Schmidt from New Girl. He is gorgeous like Shemar, and oh-so-charming, but he has this awesome sense of humour  and he’s never afraid to laugh at himself. He is a beautiful soul. And I say that not because he is not with us right now but because it is simply true. He is my favourite person to tease. I know no life is worth more than another, but this huge massive part of me keeps going “Of all the people, losing him would do the most damage.” Why? Because he was Paul. And everybody loved Paul. I did too.

These things happen though. That doesn’t make it right or fine. But they do happen. It is the stuff that happened in the wake of his death that has curdled me. I am sour. This optimistic person who loved the world she lived in kind of wants to get away from it now, and I’d like to share with you why.

When I was 8 years old I went to a little church in town with my friend Heather, who is to this day one of my closest most treasured friends. I walked into that building and my soul found itself a home. From then I bugged my parents to let us go to “Heather’s Church”. My mom likes to tease me and say I only wanted to go there because they were planning to build a pool, but I fell in love with that place. I loved their music and the people and the friendliness. I loved Sunday School which just seemed so practical and un-cryptic. 23 years later I feel exactly the same way. This is MY church. My home. My family.

But being in “daai kerk” came with some weird burdens. Especially for a child. Suddenly teachers at school were a little odd. I was no longer just Engels Sprekend, I also went to Daai Kerk. I was therefore a lepper. Now obviously not all of the teachers were that way, but it was very obviously an issue with quite a few of them. The children were worse. It sucked, but to be honest you kind of get used to it.

The thing was that somewhere along the line someone decided that you are not allowed to go to doctors if you are a member of our church. Church members laughed it off because it was ridiculous but this stupid cockroach crept into the minds of the townspeople and never left. There was always a bit of a divide, which never really bothered me except that I thought it was kind of stupid. I remember my mom feeling slightly upset that she lost a couple of friends after joining the church. My folks started drinking less and then stopped altogether. Not because the church told them to, but because they both started to feel like they didn’t want to find themselves in a position where alcohol had become a crutch or an addiction. Soon they were no longer being invited to the usual parties and gatherings. I remember because I no longer found myself at too many of those gatherings either. It was silly, but we had this wonderful place that had brought us comfort, so other people’s silliness was really just their own problem. My mom started singing and playing the flute again. For the first time since moving to South Africa from The States she was starting to feel really happy and less homesick.

When I was 14 the church started a school. That may sound silly but for an English kid living in Molteno the only real option as far as schooling goes is boarding school. My mom was adamant that she didn’t have kids just to send them off for most of their childhoods, and Allen and Margie Wilson, the pastors of our church, felt exactly the same way. So Kingdom College was born. And we all got to stay home and go to school in civvies and have an absolutely fantastic time in our teeny school that we loved and hated, but mostly loved.

I moved away from Molteno just after I finished school and for the most part I have no regrets about the life I have lead or the person I am today. I am lucky to come from the world’s most awesome family (heehee) but I am also so lucky that I got to grow up where I did because so much of the church moulded me into who I am – and I am happy with that person!

And then Paul died. I watched Allen and Margie lose their son and then I watched them muster up the most incredible strength in the face of the worst circumstances. I watched them be strong for everyone else. I watched them comfort and console and encourage the people who felt the loss on that seemingly un-fixable level that comes in the wake of a senseless death. Could I love these two people more? Apparently I could…

And then I watched evil come in like a black cloud. Accusations of Allen being a cult leader started flying around. First it was a status update on Facebook about how there is a cult in town that is killing the children or something (complete paraphrase I admit but the gist of it was that Allen was responsible for his son’s death). Seriously – parents lose their child and you use it as a platform to voice your uninformed opinion? Classy. Oh yes…and fuck you. Then there was an upset because the media had reported that Paul died in the Molteno hospital. Now when I heard that all over the news everywhere I was quite annoyed because I knew it was inaccurate. I have no idea where the story came from – no one seems to know and by “no one” I mean the media people reporting the story DID NOT KNOW WHERE THAT INFORMATION CAME FROM – but I did know that it did not come from the people who were reeling from his death. Of course the church was then accused of “hiding the truth” because that’s how it works when you live in Molteno. No one ever asks questions, they just spread stories.

Of course then one of the townspeople ran off to You Magazine. Because, you know, You Magazine acted as a dating service for all the single farmer boys a couple of years back so half the town is big pals with the folks up at the Fiction Frontier and obviously have their numbers on speed dial.  Now You Magazine is incapable of walking away from anything that even remotely smells like drama, so they decided to print the fiction as fact.

So to everyone involved in this giant load of crap I have one question: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

You Magazine: Since I was a child I have recognized your pathetic need for embellishment and scandalous misrepresentation. I constantly judge your covers with disdain as I make my way to the till at the supermarket, often asking myself what kind of person is happy to work for a company that thrives on the misfortune of others. You are an absolute disgrace to the profession of journalism. The article you wrote on this is proof that I have always been right about the integrity of You Magazine and the journalists who work for you. You thrive on shame and scandal and you leave out any facts that disprove the ridiculous point you are trying to make. You are the reason that people like me have absolutely no faith and trust in the media anymore. Shame on you.

To the “anonymous contributors” to the piece of fiction written in the You Magazine: Again….what the fuck is wrong with you? If you are so sure of your little story then why is it that you are so reluctant to claim it? If you “know” what is going on then show yourself. I, Nadine Rose Larter, think that You Magazine is a joke and I think that you are the scum of the earth. See? When you believe something and know in your heart that it is true, it is very easy to put your name behind your opinion.

I didn’t want to go to Thailand because of this. I knew that this stupid You Magazine article was going to come out and I knew that even though it was likely to be obvious rubbish that it would still hurt a lot of people that I care about. So I didn’t want to leave. I don’t know what I thought I could possibly do about it, but it just didn’t feel right that these wonderful people in Molteno who I care about so much should have to go through any of this. Especially not in the wake of such a loss.

It makes me sick that any individual – whether that person be a journalist or a common gossip – would be ok with doing this to another person. Shame on you! Where is your integrity? Where is your sense of common decency? Where is your compassion?

Lastly I would like to say this:

Two weeks ago while I was in Thailand I broke my knee. I was in a lot of pain and I could not walk so I popped into the clinic hoping they would have crutches or something for me. There I met the nicest doctor I have ever met and he took really good care of me. He drained my knee of all the blood surrounding the injury, took x-rays and he explained exactly what medication he was giving me and why I needed to take it. He also told me that I should see my doctor when I get back just to make sure that my knee is healing properly and I don’t need surgery to put in a pin in or whatever.

I will most likely not be going back to the doctor for the following reasons:

1. I don’t think it is necessary. My knee is a bit sore but it is obvious to me that it is healing and I believe that I am perfectly fine.
2. I hate doctors. I really do. I never go to the doctor but when I do I never feel like I am in safe capable hands. Throughout my entire pregnancy and the premature birth of my son it was the nurses and my pastors, friends and family who made me feel like we were safe. Not the doctors. The doctors made me feel like I was an idiot. I do realize that this is simply bad luck and that not all doctors are this way, but honestly I don’t feel like looking for one who I can tolerate. Especially not just so that I can indulge in other people’s hypochondria.
3. The absolute only reason I would rush off to a doctor now would be to be able to say “Look I go to that church and I went to a doctor”. And that is a dumb as fuck reason to do anything.

Oh and guess what? NONE OF THESE REASONS ARE ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! I am a grown ass fucking woman who is capable of making her own goddamn decisions and I do not need your fucking approval. You dumb vicious evil idiots. WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Seriously!! You are all clearly in need of medical attention yourselves. You might consider doing something about that. You get these wonderful tablets these days called “anti-psychotics”. I have no idea what they do but the name seems to fit this particular situation.

Oh yes….and one last “Fuck You” to those of you with your extreme opinions: What I believe and what religion I participate in is not for you to debate about. I have no opinions on you or your belief systems. I respect whatever you choose to believe because I respect that it is your right to do so. Also….I am not a fucking idiot. In fact I am a pretty damn fucking intelligent woman. If I in any way ever felt that I was participating in some sort of messed up and dangerous cult I WOULD STOP PARTICIPATING IN IT! I am not such a spineless idiot that I “feel too afraid to leave”. What the hell is that? You think Allen Wilson has somehow brainwashed everyone in to staying in his church? Seriously folks – watch less TV. I know you all think we take turns shagging the man but seriously…actually I have no comeback for this one….it is just too ridiculous…

Grow up and get a life. You are middle-aged men and women for God’s sake and you are all raising children who are in serious danger of growing up to be just like you. Don’t let that happen. The world is already full of clichés. How about we all try something a little different? Tolerance perhaps.

Or just plain and simple human kindness…

To Allen and Margie Wilson (and indirectly to my wonderful parents) I would like to say this: Thank you. Thank you for the way you raised me. Thank you for teaching me to have my own mind. Thank you for being the reason that I am not like the people who think that doing this is ok. Thank you for who I am because until now I have never been so grateful for being “a little different”. Thank you for teaching me about music and books and all those wonderful things that I have in my life… I will never need idle gossip to entertain me! I promise I will never thrive on the pain of others. I promise I will always have compassion and love. I promise I will always stand up for you and always be on your side not only because I love you so much but because I believe in you and I trust you and I think that the work you do is world-changing.

I am sorry that there are such evil people in the world and I am sorry that they have been so nasty to you. Watching you deal with all of this with grace and integrity has been quite an experience. Your class and everything about you is an inspiration.

I love you both.

Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook most likely knows that I hate banks with every fiber of my being. I opened an FNB account a couple of years ago purely because Standard Bank was annoying me. Guess what? FNB is no less annoying. They are possibly worse.

I need someone to explain this to me with a more acceptable answer that “it is our policy” – because fuck your policy. You guys are simply just a bunch of cunts.

FNB will not change the surname on my bank account unless I bring them my divorce certificate. They will also not let me close my account unless I bring them my divorce certificate.

I have a GOVERNMENT ISSUED ID BOOK with the surname Larter on it. The government did not ask me for my divorce certificate. But the bank needs it? Well…I say it again: Fuck you. If a man does not have to prove their divorce to you then neither do I.

The government took my thumb print to ensure that it was me when I got my ID book replaced (replaced because my Mc Auley ID was stolen) and they have confirmed who I am. THE BANK DOES NOT NEED TO FURTHER CONFIRM WHO I AM! And my marital status is none of their fucking business.

In this country a woman is entitled to use whatever surname she chooses. Be it her divorced surname, her maiden name or her married surname. And I am sorry but I do not feel like I should have to prove ANYTHING to the fucking bank.

When trying to get a new debit card issued at the bank on Tuesday the staff (three of them) literally told me that they will not issue me a card without the divorce certificate and that my account will simply be held captive until I produce the documentation. I say it again: fuck you.

What if I had simply decided to go back to my maiden name? Without a divorce? Then what? The government would have handed me my new Larter ID and that would have been the end of it. They don’t give you a “this person has legally changed their name” certificate. So now how do I “prove” to the bank that I have a right to be called “Larter”?

Of course this all comes after the fact that four or five illegal debits have gone off of my account and FNB refuses to do anything about it. The  best they can do is reverse the charges (for a fee) if I happen to notice the charges in time for them to be reversed. And of course I have to go out of my way to have this done and sit in a queue for at least an hour. Who pays me for that hour?

And you know what the worst part is? While I am arguing with them about not being able to draw cash from my card – not one of the fucking idiots at the counter goes “Oh you can draw money from your cheque account with your credit card.”

What the hell is wrong with you people?

American politics fascinate me. Well. Americans fascinate me. When I was in the States a million years ago I remember seeing an advert on TV where a specific product was claiming to be better than another specific product. My blood ran cold! I was literally sitting there, watching TV, with stress pouring off of me because a woman was saying “try Vanish {or whatever} it’s much better than that stuff that comes in the orange box…”

What. The. Hell.

I was blown away. I thought: Why should I support a brand that gains popularity by slating another brand?

But this is exactly how American politics seem to work. Or maybe it’s just politics in general. And I really just can’t wrap my head around it.

I pissed off quite a few people with my response to the legitimate rape thing. That’s fine. I don’t really mind pissing people off (although I never really can figure out why they think that I am personally attacking them just because I think one thing or another…but anyway…)

I just think that somewhere along the line some conflict resolution skills might be in order. Nobody seems to possess them.

Tod Akin is a man who is anti-abortion. Now I’m sorry….but if we’re allowed to be “pro-choice” then why the hell isn’t anyone allowed to be against abortion? Anyway…he is against abortion. Now clearly the man is a bit extreme. As in insanely extreme. But for heaven’s sake! How the hell is the solution to all these extreme ideas a nationwide bashing session? Why on earth is it so impossible for people to say “Fair enough, but what about xyz…”

Now I don’t believe that abortion should be done away with. But I also don’t believe we should all be lining up outside the abortion clinic as a solution to our gross misuse of birth control. THERE ARE GREYS PEOPLE! And I think as soon as each extreme side admits to the fact that THERE ARE GREYS then maybe a compromise can be struck.

But instead of going “Fair enough, let’s say that it is improbable that conception will take place during a legitimate rape (sorry folks but the idea of a “legitimate rape” still does not offend me) . But what if one does take place? And the woman is denied an abortion. Who is responsible for clothing, feeding and educating that child? Is it fair that the child goes into an already overrun system? What if no one wants to adopt the child because they are afraid of raising the child of a rapist ? (completely ridiculous but I think we have possibly established that people in general are ridiculous)

ASK QUESTIONS! Demand solutions.

But no. Instead of asking questions in a calm and dignified manner, we write stupid songs, get hung up on the most daft of points, and start name calling. And the worst part is that all this finger pointing is being done with the exact kind of black & white attitude as the comment that is being judged.

To what end? To no end at all.

We’re all shouting “You’re so stupid what a dumb and completely inaccurate thing to say!!”

And you know what? He might not be completely accurate in his observations, but there is just the tiniest bit of truth in what he is saying. Why? Because there is no black and white. There are only shades of grey.

Maybe it’s time all of us put on our tolerance boots and act like it.

After first reading about this Legitimate Rape stuff I did actually have quite a calm response. You know….one of those more dignified debate-ish responses. Or at least I felt that it was. Lili from Women24 was responding to this article because the thought had been bothering her a bit. Now I like Lili and have all the respect in the world for her views when it comes to stuff. She makes me laugh and she is very “real”. And she asked for thoughts so I mailed her mine (copy/pasted below). Now that I have seen a bit more of this floating around I do very much feel that perhaps one person decided to interpret the entire thing as “glass half empty” and everyone else decided to adopt that very opinion instead of actually listening to it and using a bit of logic to come to their own conclusion. This “miraculous uterus” snark is ridiculous. Yes….the guy might have used the wrong words to say what he was saying…but come ON ladies. I think the response to this is kind of embarrassing. Pussy Riot are being jailed for having an opinion. THAT is a human rights violation. When a man makes a distinction between a real and alleged rape, that is not.

Here is my response to Lili’s newsletter (I considered copying her letter here but I think that would possibly be a violation of some sort).

Dearest Lili,

I have just read your newsletter about rape and while I do understand the female need to be flabberghasted I do seem to possess this infuriating ability to play Devil’s Advocate when it comes to things like this. I think sometimes it is far too easy to shout “what an idiot!” without actually considering what is being said.

Let me say first off that I am pro choice. I will never have an abortion myself, but I do respect that other women have the right to choose abortion, whether the pregnancy is the result of a rape or not. (that said – I also think that abortion is used far too liberally as “birth control”) I think one of our biggest problems in society is that there is a weird sort of blanket opionion that all women are these oppressed beings whose rights are continusously being encroached on. Yes. It happens. Abuse of women and children is a real consideration. But not all women and children are abused. Women and children are just as capable of doling out “abuse” as all these “Repressive men” are. So what happens? Suddenly there is this gross epidemic of women (and children!) who shout rape at the drop of a hat. Now don’t get me wrong…rape is rape… But I do believe there are vindictive people out there who like to shout rape when no such thing has occurred. So when “legitimate rape” is referred to I imagine that they simply mean “rape”. And there is a very big difference between actual rape (a true sexual assult against a woman/child/man) and getting drunk, having sex with a stranger, and then deciding that because you were drunk he raped you. This happens FAR too often. And sadly so many lives are ruined because of it. Yes – rape is disgusting! But accusing an innocent person of rape is pretty damn terrible as well. So I really don’t think that referring to “legitimate rape” is such an awful thing. Because women lie about rape all the time. It has absolutely nothing to do with different “levels” of rape, or the person who is being raped. It is simply rape. As in the kind of rape that actually happened and not the kind that someone said happened because they didn’t want to get in trouble with their parents.

Now I am sure that some rape survivors fall pregnant. Of course they do. But I also don’t find it so ridiculous that someone might believe that the stress placed on a human being during rape would be enough to prevent a pregnancy. It just isn’t ridiculous. If things like emotional stress can cause prematuure births (this has happened to me) then I do believe that stress can prevent pregnancy. Your body is SUPPOSED to fall pregnant. That is what it is designed to do. For that process to be tampered with because of adrenalin and stress is not too big a stretch. That is not to say that you definitely won’t fall pregnant during rape, but I have no doubt in my mind that stress will make a pregnancy far less likely.

Of course none of this is a valid reason for banning abortion or for getting rid of the morning after pill. But the thing is that if you try to understand where the “anti-abortionists” are coming from it actually isn’t that hard to see that maybe some sort of compromise can be met somewhere in the middle. What is the problem? The problem is that tons and tons of babies are being aborted every year. And that is kind of gross. Let’s face it – no one who doesn’t want a kid should actually have one – but those things are still kids! And you can understand why it might be upsetting to people who feel that abortion is murder (something they are completely entitled to feel). The problem is not abortion though. The problem is unwanted pregnancy. Somehow the number of unwanted pregnancies needs to be brought down. Free clinics that offer education and birth control. Better sex education in schools. Pregnancy prevention needs to be a priority more than pregnancy “removal”. Yes….mistakes happen. But how many of these mistakes are due to ignorance or just plain indifference? Unwanted pregnancies should be prevented…not “dealt with”. Does that make sense without me sounding like a woman hater?

For some reason American politics seems to be about supporting one extreme or the other. But life is not really lived out in extremes, and I personally cannot see a bigger breeding ground for intolerance than these kinds of extremes. And the thing is I really don’t think the guy was being an asshole. He was not wrong in saying the punishment should be dealt to the rapist and not the foetus. Is it really so terrible to consider the rights of what is essentially a human being? Because honestly if I fell pregnant after being raped I don’t know if I would be able to go through with an abortion. The only difference though is that I don’t feel like that choice should be taken away from anyone else. I should be allowed to choose to abort my rapists child, even if you think it is wrong. But he isn’t wrong when he says that rape pregnancies are not common. We’re not aborting babies conceived out of trauma. We’re aborting babies conceived out of being too lazy to go to the store and grab a pack of condoms…

Is it so wrong to wish that wasn’t true?

My two cents,

Nadine Larter

So I saw this newsletter from Women24 today (which is weird because I don’t usually read them) and my knee-jerk reaction to it (which they asked for) was “well that’s just stupid – I can think of better things to make a fuss about”. Then I thought about it some more and I while I still feel that it’s all kind of dumb, I now also feel like the planet needs to chill the fuck out…because seriously…can you say “overreaction”?

Here’s the gist: Todd Akin, a senator from Bumfuck Wherever basically mentioned that pregnancy in unlikely to happen during a “legitimate rape” and now everyone is up in arms because OHMIGOD WHAT IS LEGITIMATE RAPE. Let me tell you what legitimate rape is: It’s a real rape. In other words: it is not one of those “rapes” where you have sex that you didn’t particularly want to have but did anyway because you were drunk, or one of those “rapes” where you had sex with your boyfriend and then your dad found out and so you told him he raped you, or one of those morning-after rape cries where you consented the night before but when you woke up in the morning you decided “oh my god my friends are going to think I am SOOOOO lame”… A legitimate rape…is a real rape. It is NOT one of those false rapes that women (and even children) are so easily prone to making up these days. And as a woman I would like to make it clear that it DOES NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST offend me that someone might want to make a distinction with regards to rape. Because, dear lady, there sure as hell is a HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE between a real rape and a fabricated one.  It is NOT about “victim blaming” (oh it’s her fault because she wore a short skirt” or “you can’t rape a sex worker” or “sex is a husband’s right whether she consents or not” – nobody friggen said that!)

It blows my mind how people are jumping on the bandwagon here. Seriously. It’s actually such a joke. Now I have no idea what this man’s politics are really. He seems to be anti-abortion. Now I am not anti-abortion but I hold no real grudges against those who are against it (unless they are bombing clinics and beating women with picket signs) because being “anti-abortion” is something people are quite entitled to feel strongly about (just like I am entitled to feel like abortion is ok if that is what you want to do with your body). But now of course we’re all up in arms because somehow this has been interpreted as a gross step over the line of feminine rights (yawn) and we’re writing lame songs (and getting famous for them) but I’m seriously left here scratching my head and going WHAT THE HELL…

Now don’t get me wrong….I believe in the liberation of women and all that….but honestly? Must we scream OPPRESSION!! at every turn? Really?? Are we not just bloody victimizing ourselves when we do that?

And I also just have one other question: It’s all very well and fine that we females are all banding together and screaming HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION. But when a woman accuses a man of rape when so such rape has actually occurred….who is screaming for those rights?